Subluxation is a real medical term, it is an incomplete or partial dislocation (latin: luxatio) of a joint or an organ. As such if you have a subluxation, a dislocated joint or organ, you need to seek real medical attention.

Recently I hurt my neck — I don’t know exactly what I did, but whatever it was it hurts. I *think* I slept wrong on it and it has hurt for days. We have a sleep number bed and it slowly loses air over the course of a month or so, so if you don’t every once in a while bump it back up you end up sleeping on a really really soft (incorrect) bed. And since I’m no longer 12, any hurt I get seems to take a while to heal.

I have corrected the soft bed issue, but that doesn’t solve the immediate problem of the neck ache. Truth be told, the only thing that will really resolve it is time. Especially if its a pinched nerve or something like that.

However, I mentioned to my sister that I had this issue during one of our calls and she suggested that I seek the attention of a chiropractor. Now let me preface this by saying, I have always thought of chiropractors as charlatans. However, I fully realize that this opinion had previously been largely driven by the media, television, movies and other peoples opinions. No personal experiences. No real clue that they were snake oil pushers, just a preconceived notion that they were a bunch of slack jawed flim flam salesmen.

I realize that this isn’t fair of me at all and so when my sister suggested it, I figured.. what the hell.. I’m going to have an open mind about this, and give it a try. I’ve been wrong before, surely I can be wrong again. I wasn’t.. but I’m getting ahead of myself.

I shopped around a bit and went with a chiropractor located here in Austin sorta near my work. He has a very big practice, with a lot of people coming and going in a high traffic area off Anderson lane near one of my favorite Korean places. I walked in, made an appointment for the next day, and walked out. The office has a very professional atmosphere so I figured I had made a good choice.

I asked the receptionist roughly how much these things go for because I had never gone to a chiropractor before and had no Earthly clue. She told me that visits usually ran anywhere between $47 and $247. To which I said, “So, $247?” She chuckled and played off my joke. I mention that because it’s important later.

The next day came and I went to the appointment at 4:45. I got there early, and sat down filling out the “paperwork” which mostly consisted of questions like “Did you ever falldown and go boom as a child?” — “Were you ever abused as a child?” — “Did your parents spank you?” — etc.. A lot of questions dealing with my past, not really medical in nature but rather general questions about events that could possibly have left some sort of scaring or emotional trauma.

Frankly, I found most of the questions to be somewhat creepy, and not really related what so ever to the issue at hand. But, again trying to have an open mind .. I filled out the form.

I waited for a while, and eventually the receptionist introduced me to a female “doctor.” Who was very kind (everyone was pretty nice) and showed me the office. Once she was done with that she took me to an “exam room” and told me the doctor would be there soon.

Now, I use the term exam room really really lightly here.. It was a room with a computer, a scale and a model of the human spine. I’m not sure why they called it an exam room as nothing akin to an exam really took place. I mean the “doctor” stood me up and looked at me, had me stand in front of a mirror and proceeded to mumble about how much was wrong. “You see how one ear is clearly visible and the other isn’t.. that’s because you turn your head … a clear sign of subluxation.”

Sub-what?

This was the root of all my evils, my clear signs of subluxation! They were pushing the subluxation problems left and right!

My ears aren’t even, thus I turn my head when I stand — a sign of subluxation. My shoulders aren’t even when I stand — a sign of subluxation. My hips clearly rotate! — a sign of subluxation. My right leg is shorter than my left leg — subluxation! When I stand on two scales, my weight isn’t perfectly distributed between them which means I’m shifting my weight because of… You guessed it.. Subluxation.

Realistically I think all of those things are a very clear sign that I’m a Human being, and as such not a perfectly synchronous creature.. but hey, I’m not a MD.. (Neither are they mind you..)

Between the two doctors, they actually said “subluxation” so much, the word started to lose meaning… er, not that it had much to begin with.

During this whole interview process, and lets be honest thats exactly what it was, they were interviewing me to see if I’d be a good sucker. I went along with everything, thus they then switched to trying to convince me that I was in dire need of their services.

At the end of the little interview with the main quac..er doctor he kind of went over prices.. He basically said, “oh and uh, this is going to run normally about.. uh “.. *doing mental calculation* .. “lets see.. ” *looking at the sky* … *carry the one* … ” roughly 5 xrays at $40 each plus the $47 exam .. so that will be $247 dollars.”

He made a big show of not being sure of the price and having to “figure it out”.. What a douche.. I already knew the price, because of the little joke between me and the receptionist above. Hey what do you know, its exactly the amount she told me was the max.

This is where I got the “used car salesman” vibe from him, he just came off completely slimy. But golly a really swell guy. At this point everything is screaming scam.. I mean absolutely screaming.. But, in the interest of being open minded and really really wanting the neck pain to go away I continued on.

The main doctor went away. This would be the last time I saw him that day, and I had only seen him for maybe 15 minutes during the interview process when he was determining if he’d be able to bilk another sucker.

At this point they shuffled me off to a secondary examination room that had a special thermal machine which would give them some super secret special information about my back. In short, it measured the skin temperature of my spine.. They had me take my shirt off and rolled this gun looking thing with two wheels on either side of the nose, up my back and the results were… A squiggly line on the monitor. This was a very important test, and I’m sure it gave them loads of data! er.. or it gave them a squiggly line.. Not sure..

After the squiggly line test, I went and got my x-rays. I say I “went”.. I didn’t actually go anywhere but into the next room where the female doctor sat me down every which way in front of a very old x-ray machine and took some pictures.

This seemed all wrong. I asked her, “are you licensed to run this machine?”, I got no answer so I asked; “are you an x-ray tech or something?” to which she replied “No. I’m a doctor.”

I asked, “A medical doctor?” to which she said “No, I’m a chiropractic doctor.. I went to school for eight years.”

uh.. okay. Well, I mean I don’t know better.. I assume that means she’s qualified.. She seems to think she is and she seems to sorta know what she’s doing. The equipment seemed old, and I wasn’t given any kind of lead apron protection but who knows if that even does anything.. Either way it still seemed kinda iffy to me.

The other thing was the x-ray “gun” was pointed directly at the wall, which means it was right at the Korean restuarant next door. That wall isn’t very thick. The room didn’t seem like a special room or anything.. it just seemed like a regular room that they put an x-ray machine in. I mean I don’t know Texas law on this but that really doesn’t seem right. Surely there must be some kind of radiographer certificate that is required by the operator, and more over some sort of license for the machine and the room itself.

Once the x-rays were taken the female doctor explained to me that the doctor would need to “go over the x-rays and study them to see if they can help me.” I sort of assumed this would take a few minutes and then the doctor would come in and talk to me further.

No. No, no you poor fool. No this takes many many hours, and “they wouldn’t be able to get to it today.” She sent me to the receptionist who then proceeded to ask for payment.

Wait.. Nothings been done and my neck still hurts..
At this point I had 15 minutes of forms, followed by a maybe-20 minute (at most) chat with the doctor, followed by a 2 minute back roll squiggly line test, followed by probably 30 minutes of x-rays. No “adjustments”.. No explanations of whats wrong.. nothing. Just a thanks, see ya.. pay up front.

The receptionist collected the $247, and made my next appointment where they would go over the results of my x-rays and “all the other tests”(?!) — A WEEK LATER.

I paid. I left. I was still in pain. I was pissed.

What the hell did I just pay for?! Because what I got was a 5 won plane ride.. (that’s a Korean saying.. it means I was just taken for a ride or I was rolled.. or I was screwed)

I expected a little more.. hell, I expected anything.. I got bubkiss. Fine.. I went home, still hurting.

At this point I’m starting to do research and have seen a lot of different sites and people say that chiropractors are fakes. And any chiropractor that uses “subluxation” is a complete sham artist. I’m not getting a good vibe at all from everything I’m reading.

What shocks me is the number of folks that were coming in and out of this place. I mean it was stocked to the gills with happy people.. I’ve been there 3 times now, the appointment, the initial visit and the visit I’m about to talk about, and each time there were 10 to 20 people in and out getting stuff done. This place does a lot of business.

That alone made me think, that there must be SOMETHING to this. I mean this many people can’t all be complete suckers.. Surely they aren’t all dolts. There were business professionals in suits coming in and getting “adjustements”.. Mothers and fathers with kids, students, athletes.. surely they can’t all be idiots falling for some sucker trick.

Clearly I’m just letting my biases get to me.

So fine. I will wait and go to the next appointment. I seriously thought it was just me and that I was being silly..

The problem being, they did nothing to address my immediate problem. I still have neck pain. The next day, I mentioned my experience to some folks I work with and one of them suggested going to a massage place here in town. I jumped at it. Hell, it had to be better than what I had done so far.

I went and got a massage from Susan Parker the lead massage therapist at Massage Envy. It was great! At one point she did tug on my neck a little which did hurt, but I know she was trying to help and when I said ouchies, she stopped and was apologetic about it. A good massage. I will go back and would recommend her. (Though, warning; Do NOT say “You can push harder, you wont hurt me.” Dear god don’t say that.. ever.. )

Right before my massage, I was called by the chiropractor and told that the doctor wanted to see me. He had an opening at 3, and wanted me to come by. This was a little worrying, I mean usually if the doctor wants to see you as soon as you have a chance, you have something wrong with you and he has nothing but bad news.

That was my first thought, then I realized that my experiences up to now had pretty much proved that he would do whatever it took to try to play on my fears.. thus this fits right in. Almost had me there. But I assuaged my fears by telling myself, this guy is still trying to play me. Sure enough, I was right.

After Susan finished abusi..er.. massaging me.. =) (she really was very nice.) I went to the chiropractors office. I felt pretty good and figured that everything would be much easier for the chiropractor since I was nice and limber. I sat in the little waiting area for probably 20 minutes, then was called over to the table.

I layed down, the chiropractor came over and told me that he took a look at my x-ray and saw a major subluxation in my neck and that he bets that I was in pain. Never mind that I told him exactly that the day before.

I said that yes my neck is still sore. He then tried to play on my fears by saying that we’ll we have to fix that subluxation because Christopher Reeve’s neck injury was in the same location. Mind you I haven’t ridden a horse in 25 years, but okay.. fine.

This more than annoyed me by the way, I actually was somewhat offended though I don’t know why. I mean I don’t know what kind of traction he was hoping to get with me here but he didn’t need to bring “Superman” into it. I have nothing but the deepest respect for Christopher Reeve and his family, I felt this was a slight. I can’t actually put my finger on why though..

Anyway, he still hasn’t gone over my x-rays, or the squiggly line test with me. In fact, he hasn’t talked much to me at all other than to make sure I was still on the hook and to attempt to play on my fears..

He layed me down and “examined” my legs and pointed out that I clearly had some subluxtion as my right leg was shorter than my left, due to my drastic back misalignment. He then rolled me on my side and proceeded to position me using this table and headrest jig that I can only describe as being some form of torture device.

I mean my head was forced top down at an odd angle and my neck was exposed up and in a very unnatural position while on my side. He then started poking and prodding my neck, and for the briefest of moments I think I knew what it felt to like to be Marie Antoinette just before they pulled the leaver.. It was extremely uncomfortable, and I felt very exposed.

He then pulled out a device that he did name, but I forget what it was called.. So I can only call it the “thumper”. It sorta looks like a hot glue gun, but has a little rubber extention where the glue would come out. And when you pull the trigger it goes *thump*. Extremely lightly.

He proceeded to explain that this device will help to realign my spine. I’m dubious.

Before he began he jammed his fingers into the center of my back and asked, does that hurt? Dear god yes it hurt — it felt like he just stabbed me with a hunk of steel. So I said, yes that hurts. He kind of mumbles “mm yeah.. subluxation..”…

Then he applies his thumper. This thing hit about as hard as you could if you were to flick something with your finger.. I mean it did virtually nothing. He would push it fairly firmly into the side of my exposed neck and then pull the trigger.. *thump* He did this 4 or 5 times.. then moved it a tad, and thumped a few more times..

At the end he put it down, and touched the center of my back in a way that I can only describe as a gentle caress and said, “I bet that doesn’t hurt as much now that I’ve corrected your neck.” — Well.. Yeah.. you’re not pressing as hard ya doofus.

He then goes down to my feet and says “Hey your feet are now aligned perfectly. ”

Do I really come across as this stupid? OH my god you’ve healed me! er wait.. No, my neck still fucking hurts..

He then said he was done. He proceeded to explain that I’d notice the changes very little in the beginning but would notice it more over time — say 6 to 9 weeks worth of treatments. “Thats how long these things take.” Thanks for coming. See ya next time.

Time spent: 40 minutes? Maybe? And that includes the 20 minutes I waited in the waiting area.

Still haven’t gone over the x-rays, the squiggly line test or even talked to me really. They ushered me up to the front, demanded another $47 and sent me on my way. This time I have no appointment for the next “treatment”.. er.. “adjustment”.. er.. what do I call this?! The receptionist just said, “the doctor will call you.”

So I’m done with this fucker.. This whole thing is a crock of shit. In the 6 to 9 weeks that he is performing his “healing” my body will likely heal itself. Something I’m sure he’ll be happy to take credit for.

I think I’ve been pretty open minded and fair. At every turn when my bullshit meter was screaming at me, I silenced it and just went on. I’m a software engineer for IBM and I was an intelligence analyst in the military — I think I’m a fairly intelligent guy who can see patterns and can validly call shenanigans when I see them.

This guy is a complete sham. Which means that chiropractors everywhere are likely a complete scam. I wanted to believe otherwise, I was trying .. I had an open mind.. Bullshit.. This whole thing is a lie.. If this is what chiropractors do then they are a bunch of ballwashin bastards..

I really got the sense that this chiropractic thing is something that if you don’t believe in it, it wont work. THAT’S NOT MEDICINE! I can not believe in penicillin, and the shit will still work — because that’s what medicine is. Your beliefs don’t enter into it.

At this place I seriously expected someone to walk in with a big pair of magnets and start “adjusting my chi!”

It’s like he’s selling good feelings.. Come in, I’ll make you feel better by paying some attention to you — which he didn’t even do.

It really pisses me off that in the United States people can lie, and sell you snake oil and there is no law against it. It should be illegal. But the simple fact is, if someone plays on your fears or desires and bilks you out of money you’re just out that money.

At this point I’m not sure what to do. I’m going to go in and get my x-rays at the very least. They can’t charge me for those since I have already paid for them. I feel like I need to talk to a lawyer. I mean at this point I feel like I have been completely taken advantage of.. He was playing on the fact that I was in pain, and doing everything in his slimy power to play on that pain..

What complete vermin. I can only assume he is also doing the same thing to everyone else that goes in there. “Treating them” and giving them “adjustments”. Preying on those who don’t know better or those who can’t see whats going on. They perceive that they are getting better because of his trickery and thus they think they are, when in reality the only thing happening is maybe a mild placebo effect and that time is doing all the work.

Chiropractors aren’t medical doctors. It’s amusing to me that the American Chiropractic Association says “education requirements for doctors of chiropractic are among the most stringent of any of the health care professions”.. What?! Short of maybe.. I dunno.. REAL Doctors.. And any medical profession that has to say how “stringent” their educational requirements are is clearly full of shit. What medical profession has had to try to convince people that their eduction requirements are stringent? None!

I looked into it and to be a “Dr. soandso D.C.” you don’t even need a 4 year degree. The Council on Chiropractic Education sets the minimum guidelines for chiropractic colleges and the minimum prerequisite for enrollment as 90 semester hours, and a 2.50 GPA. Hell, *I* could be a chiropractor.. Oh except my parents were married, and I wouldn’t sully my name by being one.

In the mean time, I’m out $300 and my neck still hurts.

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